All’s fair in boating and war
by Pippinumpkin
Summary: Scarftain! The Captain and his No. 2 have a go at a slightly different type of ‘sailing’ than they’re used to- based off real life events but without, you know, the piratical crime and the homophobia of the 19th century.


"Peddle boats, sir, really? We've come to a sailing festival, and you want to go on… the peddle boats?"

Once the Pirate Captain had taken to an idea, much like an uncoupled train carriage, there was no stopping it, and so it was with great reluctance the Pirate with a scarf followed his enthusiastic lover- pushing and weaving in and out of the line of disgruntled customers- to the entrance to the 'dock', which consisted of several spaces reserved for poorly painted wooden boats powered not by sails, but by men, on a rather pathetically sized lake.

"Oh, come on, Number two, it'll be a good laugh."

Oh indeed it would, once their peers on Blood island caught wind of it.

"These 'boats'." He eyed them with distaste, "Are made for children, Captain."

"Adults are just slightly bigger children." The Captain shrugged off his remarks, and stepped into the boat as it wobbled from side to side unsteadily, refusing any help from the bemused ride attendant.

With a great sigh, the first mate stepped forward and helped the other man onto the left front seat of the boat, whilst he took the right; which was partially drowned in lake water that had sloshed onboard. Charming.

"Follow it righ' round clockwise, gents." A scruffily bearded man stepped forward past his younger, stunned colleague and nudged them into the lake with a barge pole so violently, the Pirate with a scarf had to struggle with the steering wheel to stop them from starting into a spin.

"Is this supposed to be your idea of customer service?" He hollered at them, but they had already drifted far enough away that their hosts had lost interest in them and turned their backs. Luckily for them, a more pressing matter drew his attention away from glowering at them, "Captain, you're taking us the wrong way. They said clockwise."

"We're pirates, out of principle we must do the absolute opposite of what we've been told." He sent his first mate a cheeky wink and a winning smile, which did indeed win his heart.

"Aye, aye, sir." Shaking his head and chuckling to himself, he got to peddling alongside his superior in pirating, whose enthusiasm was surging their boat forwards at a rate of knots that these pieces of drift wood were probably not intended to be 'driven' at.

As embarrassing as this was, seeing the Captain like a happy child, all smiles over a… toy boat, was endearing to say the least. He supposed he could play along, at least, for a bit. They passed very surprised looking ducks, and mowed over a frog on a lily pad, before swinging violently around a sharp turn to their left and sending a spray of water up onto a small bridge where it showered passer by's.

Alright, this was quite fun.

"Avast, you coves! Make way for the terror of the high seas!" The Captain abruptly stood up, leaving the Pirate with a scarf to struggle against the peddles for both of their sakes.

He unsheathed his cutlass and brandished it at another peddle boat occupied with four small children, taking advantage of their confusion and stealing an ice cream from the eldest's outstretched hand. With great tenderness, considering the cruelty of the act he had just committed, he handed it to his Number two, leaning forward to kiss him on the forehead and almost capsizing the boat.

"Sir!" He squealed, reddening at how high his voice sounded, "You can't do that in public, people will talk. We could be arrested."

"Hah, I'd like to see them catch us."

"We're barely at above walking pace, Captain."

Grumpily, the latter sat back down in the boat and helped his sensible partner paddle into the golden rays of afternoon sunshine that were falling down onto the lake.

If nothing else, it was certainly a peaceful view. Small ducklings bobbed past them cautiously- probably on account of seeing the fate of their froggy friend- and thick foliage dripped down from the trees encircling the pathways of the lake and kissed the surface of the water. Occasionally, the Captain would absentmindedly steer them a little too close to the leaves and vines and they would find themselves entangled, but other than that, they smoothly glided through it all like a dream, and without a care in the world.

A little while further down, they ended up going in circles for the next ten minutes, the Captain roaring with laughter as his Number two insisted that he had to stop- _right now, _or else he was going to be sick. Then, when the Captain refused to stop, he pretended to be sick all over his front, laughing uncontrollably when he almost fell over board in shock.

Eventually, after many more similar episodes, they glided to a stop underneath the coverage of a willow tree, and took advantage of the curtains of leaves to share a longer kiss. Who could blame them? It was definitely a romantic scene, as most adventures on the water were.

"Having fun, Two?" The Captain gave him a knowing look, and he rolled his eyes.

"Alright, it is… more fun than I thought it would be."

"Seeeee?" He laughed, nuzzling their noses together. "Come on, lets go and find some more ships to plunder."

"You mean, tiny, toy boats?" The Pirate with a scarf smirked, laying a hand on his cheek affectionately.

"A boat is a boat, no matter how small." He replied, leaving his first mate wondering where he had heard that line before.

Suddenly, their private tree shelter was infiltrated by some unpleasantly familiar chubby faces.

"They're the ones who stole me ice cream, Pa!"

And this time, an older, more grizzly face joined them, brandishing a paddle, roaring strings of curses too profound to repeat.

"Well, I think it's about time we run!" The Pirate Captain lurched into action, peddling for all he was worth whilst his first mate grabbed the steering wheel and took them back out into the wider lake.

"You heathens! Barbarians!" Came the wretched old man screams from behind them. "What kind of men ride a peddle boat and then steal from children?!"

"He does have a point, sir." The Pirate with a scarf panted breathlessly, hanging one hand out of the boat and desperately trying to propel themselves forward faster than the peddles were.

"So did those monkeys disguised as hula dancers, Two, but that didn't stop us!"

They 'sped' along the lake at an impressive speed, almost keeping up with a jogger who was tracing the path around the bank, pursued at high tail by the band of upset and ice cream deprived kids and their raving father, who had begun to toss things out of his bag at them, including marbles, a packet of tissues and a box of tic tacs, which the pair only half successfully managed to dodge.

"This might be it for us, Number two." The Captain hollered over the insults thrown at their backs, "So, I just want you to know I… I love you!"

"I should hope so, sir, considering we've been in a relationship for almost a year!" He yelled back, then was thrown forward as the boat behind them rammed them up the back side.

"A bunch of queers to boot!" The father was frantically lunging at them now, beads of spittle launching out of his mouth like tiny canon balls. "I'll have you thrown in a cell, trouble makers!"

"Cap'n! Pirate with a scarf!" Surprisingly curvaceous pirate and Albino pirate burst out of the foliage and appeared on the path, trotting along the bank to keep pace with the boat, stretching out their arms in an invitation.

"Aha! Lads!" The Captain cried out joyously, throwing Pirate with a scarf over to them before jumping over himself, abandoning the boat and watching as their pursuer crashed into it. "I think we ought to get going."

"Get 'im, Pa!" The ashy haired boy, who was now bobbing around in the lake thanks to a overly inflated life jacket chanted as his father furiously swam over to the muddy slopes, hand swiping at their ankles.

"Ship's this way, Cap'n!" The Surprisingly curvaceous pirate caught a hold of the Captain's arm, who in turn grabbed the Pirate with a scarf's, and towed them all away from the crime scene.

"I say, what were you even doing out here?" He remarked as they ran, stumbling after his two crew mates.

"We heard they were selling ice cream near the lake, and then we saw you two being chased by a mad man!"

"A mad man! That's what I said, eh, Two?" He replied to the Albino pirate, then stared pointedly at his lover.

"Captain, can we please talk about this _after _we reach safety?"

"Since you're insisting." The Captain wheezed, coughing up his lungs from the amount of physical exercise they were undertaking. "Look- look the ship- hah! She really is just there!"

"Ahoy! I heard you needed a hand!" The Pirate with gout was standing at the helm, waving them over by the docks.

"Yes!" The Captain moaned, and without further ado, the sorry group escaped up the gang plank, hoisting it up and then watching from a safe distance as the little boy's avenger jumped up and down furiously on the side walk, waving his fists at them as they lifted the anchor and set sail into safer territory.

"...Well." The Captain turned to his shell-shocked crew, "I dare say we might be banned in the town of Shersey, now."

The Pirate with a scarf slowly turned to look at him, his eyes narrowing, mouth closing into a grimace. "Your quarters. _Now._"


End file.
